Michael (not real name) asked how to handle a situation in which a girl he likes expressed her unwillingness to start a relationship.

Hi Hamshi, I’m 17 and have had a thing of some sorts with this girl that I have absolutely fallen for. I have asked her out before and have gotten the “I’m not ready for a relationship yet.” I learned that she was almost raped by her ex and this made a lot of sense. Recently her and I have been splitting apart due to the fact she has been hearing rumors of me talking behind her back. When her best friend talks to her about me, she becomes defensive and refuses to talk about the subject. On top of that I have been way to pressing and need to stop, but that is nothing. She is clearly annoyed and I do not know what to do. Any tips will be appreciated, thank you for your time.

– Michael



Her being not ready for a relationship right now is completely understandable. After what her ex did to her, she’s probably developed a phobia that’s how all guys would behave.

It’s not always a good idea to propose to a girl right after she just got out of a relationship, and in this case, she just got out of a very bad and abusive relationship.

See also: I like a girl who already has a boyfriend. What do I do?

Though you didn’t intend to annoy her, that’s how she’s perceived it. When someone is annoyed of you, no matter who it is, the first best thing you can do to solve the problem is to leave that person alone for some time.  Write her a sincere apology note and give her some space to recover from her past relationship trauma. Keep your mind focused on other things so you don’t have to keep thinking about her.

She said I'm Not Ready for a Relationship yet

Your sincere apology note and the decision of leaving her alone, could increase the chances of her growing a little soft corner for you as the days go by. There’s a possibility, but don’t get your hopes too high though. Who knows how long she may need to heal.

If and when she does decide to talk to you, the next best thing you can do for her, for the time being, is to try and be an understanding friend to her.

You talking about her private matters to other people [even if you didn’t mean it in a bitchy way] could have disappointed her. Girls hate it when guys tell their friends about everything that goes on in their relationship. Most girls are really sensitive and often paranoid, especially if they hear that someone said something bad about them, they will always be paranoid about that person talking behind their back.

You have to work on removing that bad thought she’s developed about you in her head.  When possible, find a quiet moment to talk to her alone and tell her you never said anything bad about her to anyone. You have to convince her you will never do such thing to her and that you`re not the same as her ex.

The fact that she’s avoiding to talk about you right now is most likely because of all the bad things she heard about you from other people. Before you do anything, just give her a few weeks’ time to settle down and for all these rumors etc to get out of the way.

Don’t panic much about her, she just has to know the good side of you again. She needs to know how much you love her and that you will never do the things her ex did to her. Try not to talk about her private issues [ex] with anyone, even your closest friends.

She’s obviously not going to rush into a relationship with anyone else right now either, so you don’t have much to worry about.  She probably did have feelings for you, but she could have been scared that you will also be like her ex in the end. So give her the time she needs and try to find an opportunity to convince her that you didn’t say anything bad about her.

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